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photo by rqerita
I spent this morning talking to my mom about my dad.
“Remember that car he drove when he was in Texas? It used to get so hot that he tried to fry an egg on it,” both of us laughing because that was so like him. He would open cans of ravioli and vegetables and heat them on the stove for my sister and me when we were little. Then we would stand by the stove and eat out of the cans. No pots, no dishes to wash.
Very efficient.
Yes, he was an engineer. Capable of figuring out amazingly complex things and yet, clueless in the everyday world we lived in.
Now, on Father’s Day, Seth and I were on a trolley crossing a bridge from San Diego to Coronado and the guide said, “You’ll notice that the bridge has a few odd twists to it. That is because it had to be high enough for navy ships to pass under it but that made it too steep for trucks and buses so the bridge so they added a few extra turns and loops.” I was fascinated. Then I realized this was exactly how my father felt every time we crossed a bridge that had a unique structure or detail to it. I remember him pulling the car off the road, not to admire the view, what a silly thought, but to examine the beams of a bridge. He said there was great beauty in the solution the engineers came to in answering the simple yet difficult problem of how to cross from one side to another. Form and function fused in a steely poem. Of course, I thought he was nuts and what on earth could be so interesting about a bridge?
When I think sit down to play through my well worn book of piano sonatas, I feel the same thrill he did. I often stop and scrutinize the beginning theme, the key changes, the codas and the variations and come away in awe of how brilliantly Beethoven created his musical answer to the classical sonata form.
And this is something I do whenever I see a structure in life that is beautiful in form and function. The bridge in San Diego, the well thought out presentation by Jean Bonilla about the potential of entrepreneurship in global economies at the Americans for the Arts Convention this past weekend in San Diego, an etude by Chopin. I look for the structural thinking and the details that make it soar. I think like my father, the engineer.
He would smile knowing that I love bridges and how that has helped me see the inner logic of an engineer’s mind as well as the inner castles of a composer’s inspiration.
What a gift.
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Hoong Yee
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Word of mouth is the best way to share, don’t you agree?
Sky, far left
“Mom?”
“Mom? I can’t find my cool white tie. Mom?”
I took a deep breath and did my very best evolved Buddhist move. It did the trick. Five minutes later I was burning rubber along the Jackie Robinson Parkway into Forest Hills. Squeaked into a parking spot, slammed the door and tore down Austin Street to Anthony’s, a mens’ shop that always has some stylish expensive looking linen jacket in their window.
“We’re all out of skinny white ties. It is June, you know, lots of weddings, graduations, proms.” I felt my world crumbling. What was I going to do now? The young salesman pulled out several light colored ties. ”Perhaps one of these – “
“Absolutely not. He is wearing black and white. Black shirt, pants, shoes, belt – black. The tie has to be white.” I practically barked at him, startling a man trying on a jacket in the back of the store.
“I do have one white tie left.” He rummaged through the display case and pulled out a wide, white satin tie, slightly wrinkled, but otherwise perfect. ”Give me a minute and I’ll iron it for you.”
I practically floated home with the precious tie. Sky met me at the door. ”I have to meet my friends for pictures. Now!”
Jumped in the truck, tore down the street and pulled up in front of the house. One of the moms helped Sky put his tie on while I fumbled with my camera. When I looked up, the smile on his face made me forget everything except that tonight, the night of his eighth grade prom, was something really special. And you know what? I was so thankful I was able to be part of the craziness with him.
Do you think they’ll play slow music? Who should I dance with? What should I use in my hair, gel or mousse? Did you ever talk about stuff like this with your mom when you were thirteen? Oh, my God, and here we are plotting prom strategy, Sky and me. I took another deep breath and did my best evolved cool Mom move. I just listened and nodded my head non judgmentally.
Every mom standing on the street snapping pictures of this well dressed group of kids had a similar story to tell. For the girls, it was the dress, of course! And the shoes, the makeup, should they wear their hair up or down?
It occurred to me that these kids grew up together from mommy and me classes til now. Many of us moms were waddling around, heavy and pregnant on the beach thirteen summers ago. How lucky they are to have friendships that stretch from sippy cups and strollers to the dawning of their high school years.
“Mom, stop taking pictures.”
“Mom, you should leave now.”
“Mom!”
Sky was right. I stood with the other moms watching the kids clambering into cars and driving off to the party of their young lives.
Get more Wow!
If you want style notes and more for people who change the world, please check out:
Getting to Wow! to feel good, do good and look good
Nonprofit Knitwear for all things knit and nonprofit
Style Notes from me, your artspy
Hoong Yee
– Subscribe and get a little Wow! every day
– Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
– Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @hylkrakauer)
– Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your help.
Word of mouth is the best way to share, don’t you agree?
Seth and Dr. Krantzow
When I saw him peel his shirt off and bare his soul to the other man in the room, I knew it was time to go.
Does your husband need you?
Seth got up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. He grabbed his left shoulder and could not move without wincing. We found ourselves in the ER of Peninsula Hospital where we spent a good part of the day in a time-has-no-meaning state of mind. I held his arm, helped him sit down, barked at nurses and did everything I could to make him as comfortable as possible until the doctors could see him.
This is one of those times I think about spending time together with the one you love. I am guilty of assuming life will always provide me with a tomorrow and that yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll plan something to do this weekend. And then something always comes up to knock our plans off balance. Sky has somewhere to go, I need to finish something, we need to go food shopping… Life gets in the way.
Sometimes it feels like we are comrades in the trenches going out into our day and returning exhausted to base camp in the evening.
Here are a few ways to remind yourself you are married
1. Make every occasion a date
That’s right. When Seth goes out for the paper in the morning, he brings back tea and coffee for us. I am usually still half asleep when he puts my cup of chamomile tea with lemon, fragrant and hot, next to me. It may not be dinner at Daniel but it is our morning date and I really look forward to it.
2. Turn monster times into memorable moments
OK, the ER was tough. But we made the most of being together in a tough situation. It was not as much fun as the no-tell motel adventure but we made the best of it and made some friends among the orthopedic residents and nurses. Like Dr. Krantzow who is someone who took great care of Seth. After all we’ve been through together, we could go out and pick curtains together.
3. Find the humor
Seth is really good at this. He flirted with the triage nurses, told jokes to the X-ray technicians, made the residents laugh with his tasteless jokes. It actually made the time pass quickly between tests, consultations, waiting and freaking out.
Alisa Bowman touched upon this in a post where she asked how to have a happier relationship with a man. Here’s an excerpt:
“Either way, the hard time you’re having probably won’t define your entire life together, so work on staying as connected as you can, as loving “as you can, as forgiving as you can, and then dig in your heels and ride it out to smoother waters.”
If you ever think you can’t make time to spend with your husband, think again or you will find him half naked with someone else like a cute ER doctor.
Quality time is what you make of it, whether it is in the emergency room or the bedroom.
Get more Wow!
If you want style notes and more for people who change the world, please check out:
Getting to Wow! to feel good, do good and look good
Nonprofit Knitwear for all things knit and nonprofit
Style Notes from me, your artspy
Hoong Yee
– Subscribe and get a little Wow! every day
– Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
– Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @hylkrakauer)
– Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your help.
Word of mouth is the best way to share, don’t you agree?
Seth, my favorite lunch date
“We have just passed half a million hours worth of three kids. Happy anniversary!”
How could you not love a guy who can find a reason to celebrate all kinds of momentous occasions in life?
Our many years of marriage has taken us through, yes, three kids, Jewish and Chinese in-laws, careers, ups and downs. What I believe is the secret to our relationship and to all successful relationships is a part of the body, often overlooked because of hair.
Curious?
I knew you would be.
OK, its your ears.
Alisa Bowman wrote a great piece about listening on her blog. Here’s an excerpt that resonated with me:
“Listen for the feelings behind the words. There are two kinds of listening–listening for information and listening for feelings. Listening for information is the way most of us have learned to listen. For instance, when I list the ways I’m frustrated at work and my husband tries to fix it, that’s listening for information.
The second kind of listening is listening for the feelings behind the words. When I asked the parent how it was for her, she was able to tell me what she was really worried about. When you listen, you want to hear the information, but you also want to hear the feelings, too.”
You can read it here.
Mildred, my Jewish mother-in-law, was a big believer that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Ming, my mom, felt that way too. They were both great cooks and had long, loving marriages.
I would love to be a better cook. But I am better with my ears and perhaps the way to a man’s soul is listening to what he has to say.
Get more Wow!
If you want style notes and more for people who change the world, please check out:
Getting to Wow! to feel good, do good and look good
Nonprofit Knitwear for all things knit and nonprofit
Style Notes from me, your artspy
Hoong Yee
– Subscribe and get a little Wow! every day
– Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
– Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @hylkrakauer)
– Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your help.
Word of mouth is the best way to share, don’t you agree?
Sky in his game face
What report card?
It is so hard to not be my mother and almost impossible to not be my father sometimes. I suppose it is a genetic tic that I inherited from dynasties ago that nowadays is referred to as the Tiger Mom.
A typical report card ritual:
me: I got my report card.
my mom: Ah, the moment we have been waiting for. How many 100′s did you receive, Number 1 Daughter?
me: Well, I got a 100 in almost every class… except math.
my dad: (ominous silence) You got an….86? (aghast expression followed by shallow breathing, pale expression, doesn’t look good)
me: Yes, father. Forgive me.
my mom: (sobbing, grinding her shoulders against the wall in despair) We’re doomed.
my dad: I….am….very…. disappointed.
me: I am sorry. I am a disgrace to the race.
my parents: Go to your room. You may not leave until you excel in something.
Looking back, there was no way I could win. If I brought home an A, my parents would worry about the next one. If I brought home any thing less than an A, they….would….be….disappointed.
For those of you who may not have known this about me, I must confess that I failed math in school. Consistently. My teachers refused to believe that a nice little Chinese girl could be so not-brilliant in math and scraped up points just to pass me on to the next teacher.
Now that I’m all grown up and past the era of math classes, thank God! I find myself in a disturbingly familiar situation, only this time I am the parent holding a report card at arm’s length, destined to be worried and disappointed.
Do you want your kid to succeed?
Sky is a good student. He always has been. He received several perfect scores in his classes and, shudder, what’s this? Three grades in the 80′s.
I felt my DNA change. I was no longer a nice little Chinese girl, but a steely eyed Tiger Mom.
me: Sky? I am so proud of you. This is a fabulous report card.
sky: Thanks, mom.
me: What happened with those three grades?
sky: Teacher’s stupid. At least I didn’t fail.
me: You are not in danger of failing. You are in danger of not succeeding.
Here’s what you do
Do you know what it is like to be hungry for something? To want something so much that you do everything you can to get it?
Welcome to the Asian Equation
Studying hard + lots of extra credit = bulletproof report card
We talked about what he needed to do to close the gap from 86 to 100, clearly something he can do if he is hungry enough. The trick is to get hungry and to stay hungry.
sky: I know I know. I have to do better.
mom: And?
sky: And I have to let my teacher know I care about my grades so can I please do tons of extra credit?
mom: And?
sky: And I have to stay hungry. Forever.
This is not an easy thing to tell your child. It is even harder for them to understand especially if they are doing well in school.
“America’s leadership is rooted in creativity, inventiveness, the conceptualization of a new reality, and the ability to think beyond what our teachers tell us. But is our emphasis on free-thinking and self-esteem enough? Or are we marking time while the rest of the world races ahead?
At heart, this is our secret question for Amy Chua. Sure, she seems a little crazy, but she also represents a cultural system so unbelievably powerful that it’s impossible to ignore.”
This is an excerpt from a piece written by Kara Miller, an Assistant Professor at the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth. My answer is the Asian Equation where there is no place for just doing well.
Only hunger and excellence.
Get more Wow!
If you want style notes and more for people who change the world, please check out:
Getting to Wow! to feel good, do good and look good
Nonprofit Knitwear for all things knit and nonprofit
Style Notes from me, your artspy
Hoong Yee
– Subscribe and get a little Wow! every day
– Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
– Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @hylkrakauer)
– Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks so much! I really appreciate your help.
Word of mouth is the best way to share, don’t you agree?
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